Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All the doctor said was why
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
