So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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