Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
