im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
