he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
two words: eviction party
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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