i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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