Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
