You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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