i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
