i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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