just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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