Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What a dumb baby whore.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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