I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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