she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Found the puke drawer
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
