a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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