Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
