i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
