I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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