I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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