I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.