She said her name was "party"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
