Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
