I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
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My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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