someone threw a dead crab at me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
