remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
