i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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