He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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