Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
