Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
