Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
