You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
