why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
