You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
