It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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