Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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