How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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