I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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