i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
