Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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