haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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