This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
