Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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