That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
