What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
