I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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