So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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