I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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