I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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