I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
