She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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