It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
