i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
