i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
