I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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