Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.