if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list