fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
