He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
