I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize